RUNNING IN THE LIGHT

In the quiet, before what is really occurring is truly known, the veil of darkness is lifted. Ever so slowly and gently, the warmth of the sun begins to creep into the cracks and crevices, into the corners and closets, driving away shadows along its way. The dark has left behind a weariness that is felt within the depths of the soul and cuts to the very center of the heart, the pain so overwhelming that the beginnings of the dawn are not even noticed. But the Father knows.

Ever gentle, ever faithful, and ever kind, the Father reaches down and begins to bandage the wounds left behind. He lovingly wipes away each tear and cherishes what each individual tear represents. As the intensity of the pain eases, He gently turns the face that is cradled in His hands toward the sun. The warmth shining in is so comforting, so soothing. The warmth brings with it a sense of calm and a peace that runs deep into the wounded places. Although wounded and weary, restoration is coming, peace is returning, and healing has begun.

Easing out of the corner and beginning to struggle to stand, a steady hand is offered, but this hand is unlike any other. This hand radiates power. This hand carries within it a boundless unfathomable love. This hand bears scars and written with in the scars, I find my name. I find my name carved into His hand! Within His hands, I find my healing, but it is a healing that is only found within scars left behind by nails.

Holding onto His hand, I rise. Holding onto Him, I find solid ground beneath my feet and the strength in which to stand. Focusing on Him, I find the assurance that all which remains broken will be healed, that strength will be renewed.

With one glance at the smile on His face, my soul begins to take flight. With wings like eagles, my heart begins to soar. Caught up in the strength of His hands, I find the courage to run once again. In His light alone does that which once was weary and broken become renewed and restored. Carried on by His everlasting arms, I run once again, for I am running in His light.

10 LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE DARKNESS

While going through several recent bouts with depression, I attempted to try to not only put into words the stuff going through my head, especially as the darkness begins to subside and light begins to creep back in, but I also wanted to see if there was anything I could learn from this time…find some purpose in it…find something that can be carried into the next dark time…find something to cling to. I know that there is a purpose for everything under Heaven, so surely He has a reason for these. Perhaps He will use these experiences in the future, but perhaps there is a more personal lesson that can be learned.

1. It is dark….some days are darker than dark – but even in the darkest of moments, He still sees. The darkness within does not block out the view of the Almighty.
(“Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you.” Psalm 139:12)

2. It hurts… some days the pains is almost unbearable, although there is often no explanation for it, but the Father knows. Every tear we have ever cried has been seen, understood, and known.
(“Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll – are they not in your record?” Psalm 56:8)

3. Everything appears to be upside down and the top cannot be found. At times, it is as if you are being pulled down a spiral and there is no way to know which way is up or which way is down. It is a swirling sea of pain and darkness. But, despite all of this, He is still there, He is still holding on, and He will not let us go.
(“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5b)

4. It seems to last FOREVER — and F…O…R…E…V…E…R… is no joke when you are drowning in darkness.

5. God doesn’t let the darkness remain all-consuming. He sends a ray of help at the darkest point. BUT, it is in His time and not ours, which is a tough one to swallow. Perhaps this is why I always felt drawn to lighthouses. They symbolize hope in the midst of raging storms and help to guide sailors away from the unseen ragged rocks that would dash them to pieces. He truly is our Lighthouse as He is the One who gives light in the dark, that protects us from what would crush us, and that guides us safely home.
(“The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deuteronomy 33:27a)

6. You are NEVER alone or unloved in the darkness, even though it may totally feel that way.
(“The LORD appeared to us in the past,[a] saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness…’” Jeremiah 31:3)
(“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2)

7. Nothing seems to matter, even though everything really does – and even more so.

8. Feelings, while very frightening, are allowed and need to be released/expressed during this time. Freedom comes from expressing some of the feelings. It is almost as if that, by putting words to the feelings, they are disarmed and lose some of power.
(“The tongue has the power of life and death…” Proverbs 18:21a)
(“My tears have been my food day and night… 4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. 5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:3 – 5)

9. It will end – the light will break through. Just be patient and remember to keep your head up despite the drowning sensation.
(“14 He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.”
“20 He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.”,
“29 He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea[b] were hushed. 30 They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven.” Psalm 107:14a, 20, 29-30)

10. You will be stronger for having survived the storm.
(“2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.” Psalm 40:2-3a)

The biggest challenge for me, but one of the most crucial one, is to remember to just be still and to hold on. Even though I cannot see what is around me or where I am reaching, I must trust that when I reach out to Him, He will find me. When I grasp hold of even just the hem of His garment, He will hold onto me and will not let me go.

All that is expected of me during these times is to trust His heart and, most importantly, be STILL and KNOW that He is God.

He is in control even when the darkness surrounds and obscures all vision.
He is in control when everything around me seems to be crumbing to pieces.
He is in control in the mist of the chaos.
He is in present,
He understands, and
He will have mercy.

They dawn will break, morning will come, and He will exchange our tears for His healing, our pain for His peace, and our darkness for His light.

*All Scripture quoted is from the NIV.

YET AGAIN

Well, here I am – again. A blank page before me (again), thousands of thoughts and feelings flying through my head (again), and the cursor sits there blinking at me (again) as if impatiently beckoning me to do something, anything (again).

As I sit here and watch the blinking, I have to question just how long it has been since I have sat here like this? Better yet, I must also question myself:

• Why I am here, yet AGAIN?

• How long have I kept what was supposed to be spoken in black and white muzzled in silence, stifled as if time would collapse if I let it go?

• Why have I allowed so much to interfere, to come between, to cause me to close the blank page and file it away?

Once AGAIN, I find my focus re-directed by the mere blink of a cursor on a blank page… I should not have allowed this, yet AGAIN. I have missed out on the opportunity to listen to my Father’s heart. It should not be so. I know to do better than this…

I must be mindful, ever conscious, of my need to pause beside the River of His Heart at some point each day, to take the time to spend a moment with Him, to allow Him to speak and not just listen to my rambling. I must stop being too focused to be “distracted” or “interrupted” by taking time to just sit with Him.

After all, a loss of joy, a loss of peace, and deteriorating health are not worth the results achieved by squeezing one more thing into an already full day in the hope of accomplishing one more task rather than to just pause for a moment and have a cup of coffee with my Lord.

Too much Martha and not enough Mary will find us lying broken in His green pastures, too weak to reach His still waters, and too empty to even find the table that He has prepared before us. Thankfully, our Father’s love and mercy is far more stubborn than we – and He loves us far too much to leave us in the condition we are in when we finally throw ourselves at His feet.

Grace upon grace is ours, free for the taking – yet again.

My Shepherd

I know that I have posted this once before, but I hope you will indulge a brief reflection on a cherished passage. Given events in my life and heart, my soul needed a reminder of this simple truth – a reminder that He IS my Shepherd.

While all that is within me is longing for those still, quiet waters and the lush green pastures of rest, I trust my Shepherd and know that this path is for a reason, that there is always a purpose, and that He is eternally faithful. He has not forgotten me, forsaken me, or abandoned me.

I know that, even when the darkness seems to hide me, the night will shine like the day around me for the darkness is as light to Him. There is no where I can go where He cannot find me and no where I can run that He is not already there. He is My Shepherd.

***
My Shepherd

I – He WILL for He IS
Yahweh Ro’I, the Lord my Shepherd.
He supplies all that I need for He is Yahweh Jireh.

I will lie down and rest where
the meadows are sweet.
He will bring me to the still and restful waters,
beside peaceful streams of quiet waters,
so that my soul can rest.
He is Yahweh Mekaddesh.

He will restore my soul,
refresh my life,
and renew my strength.
He is Yahweh Rafae.

He will lead me in the paths that are right –
He is Yahweh Tsidkenu.

***
II – You ARE and You WILL

During the apprehensive journeys of life,
through the deep, sunless, darkest valley,
yes, even when I come to the valley of death,
I do not have to fear evil,
nor have I cause to dread it,
for You are always with me
and remain close beside me.
You are Yahweh Shammah.

Your will protect me and guide
as a father to His children.
You are such a comfort to me
and the rock on which I depend for strength.
You are my Abba.

***
III – You WILL, You DO, You ARE

You will care for me
and provide for me,
oh Yahweh Sabaoth,
Even when my enemies are near
Or are standing righting before me.
You pour Your love and joy over my life so that
my cup of blessing overflows
with the abundance and fullness of You.
You are Yahweh Shalom.

Your mercy, Your unfailing love
will follow me and pursue me
so long as I live.
You will be always be
the place my heart will call home.
You are my Adonai.

Baruch HaShem Adonai, Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

The Hidden Places

While in the process of moving lately, I came across a devotional I read a few years ago that had some interesting ideas. It was about finding God in different placed, hidden places, and not just in finding Him as the source of our creation, salvation, or being. It was about really, truly, finding HIM. I walked out of my office the other day and saw that this book was just sitting on a box. I don’t even remember putting it there, but it was there all the same.

With my house in disarray due to the move and the fact that unpacking has to take a backseat so many other things that are of higher priority and more importance, I found the book even more ironic. One of the first images that popped into my head was all the places in this house we have been so blessed with that the Lord could “hide.” But then the poet within began to think of all the places within me that He could “hide” and that really caught my attention.

How often do we go through our day-to-day lives and overlook so many of the miracles that are not only around us but within us as well? I know that I am personally guilty of this more often than I can say I am not. Yes, I do so appreciate a beautiful sunrise and am enjoying watching spring finally arrive. However, do I appreciate the beauty He has created within me and the blessings He has poured over my heart, my mind, my soul, and my life just as much?

After having come through such a long season of uncertainty, a season of dependence on others, and a season of waiting for the Lord to move in my life, I now am blessed with the peace, the space, and the opportunity to take the time to ponder on these things. I am sitting here in the peace and space of my new office and the words, which felt to be so far away for so long, finally seem to flow.

While the season of waiting seem to go on for so long and the answers never seemed to come, now that it is over, I can look back and see His hand in it. I can see how He was breaking down the things that did not serve to honor Him, allowing me time to come to the point where I would yield to His timing and not force my own, to come to the point that I acknowledged the fact that His plans for me where infinitely higher than the dreams I had for myself. Even when the Lord seemed to be so very far away, He was still there – waiting for me to find Him in the midst of my waiting, in that hidden place.

Regardless of what season in life you are going through right now, God can be found in the middle of it all. Even when depression seems to reign and you can’t seem to find the light of day, He is there. When chaos seems to have control and screaming into the darkness comes to no avail, He is there. Through the darkest night, the deepest sadness, the wildest storm, He is there.

The challenge is to not only look for God within His creation and to appreciate the beauty with which He surrounds us, but to also look for Him within, to find His hidden places within us. As I search for Him there, I know that I will continue to grow in the knowledge that He is my hiding place. As we hide our hearts within Him, He hides His within us – and He waits ever so patiently for us to find Him there.

Struggling To Reach The Surface, Fighting For Daylight.

I was hoping that the beginning of a new year would bring about a change in perspective, tide of events, and the opportunity for more positive transitions. However, after completing two months of this “new” year, I am coming to realize that these are not going to be outward occurrences in my life for the time being. I must, however, find them within myself and these need to become an outward expression of what I want my life to represent in spite of the trials.

Unknown circumstances…medical situations that remain unsolved, undetermined, unknown… These are not things I do well with and I have found myself struggling to keep my head above the waters of depression and despair. So many changes have come about in a very short amount of time due to the unknowns that still plague my heart that it has been a challenge to keep my balance, keep my perspective, and not get lost in the fast crashing waves of change. Absolutely nothing is the same and I don’t know that it ever will be again.

Because of this storm, I have a better grasp of how Peter felt when, while walking on the water to Jesus, he saw the storm rather than the Savior and began to sink. That is where I have been…away from the words I love so dearly, away from the outstretched hand of my patiently waiting Savior, away from many who could pray for the situation – or for me. I allowed the storm to rage and the waves to crash over my soul and here I sit, alone on the shore like a shipwrecked child.

As I sit here before this slowly filling screen, I am reminded once again of His faithfulness. I have thought about writing often, but I could never find the words to begin anew. As I sat the other day on the washed up shore of my heart, I began to try to put words to how I was feeling – even just a few. Slowly, the pieces of the title for this post began to float to the surface. Little by little, it came together until it was a cohesive string that summed up my heart and circumstances at the moment. I had been swallowed up the waves of despair and tossed about in the storm of the unknown. Reaching the surface was a struggle. Fighting for light in the darkness of my heart seemed impossible. So, I wrote those words and let the title sit (to simmer, so to speak). I allowed the thoughts that would come with it to soak into my heart and grow. When I opened the document the next day, those thoughts grew into words carried onto the page by only the strength of my Savior.

While understanding is great and crafting metaphors to explain things of the heart that words alone do not accurately convey can be wonderfully freeing, I now must ask myself some hard questions. What now? Where do I go from here? How do I open my heart to not only allow others to see the storm raging inside of me, to see the fear from the potential of the unknown, to see the pain brought on by the changes in life, or to even pray for me? After all, I am supposed to be the strong one …or at least the is the lie I have bought into for a long time… Honestly, I have no idea what the answer is besides to hold onto my Savior for dear life and trust Him to calm the storm, bring answers, and smooth circumstances in His time and in His way. Like the saying goes, I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds my tomorrow.

So, even though the storm rages around me, through my heart, and through my life, it is through these storms that I know my Lord will be faithful all the more. It is through these that He will show His strength on my behalf. Through this, He will continue to demonstrate His infinite love for me. Even though the challenges will continue to try to wash over me and circumstances will continue to disrupt and bring changes that so hard to bear at times, I know He is there. Even though my heart may feel like a piece of washed up shipwrecked lying on the shore, He will gather the pieces as they wash up on the shore, He will cherish them, and He will restore my heart.

All that is required of me now is to give Him my fears, trust His heart, and just be still.

Faithfulness Displayed!

This past year has been one of challenges. It has not been the easiest year of my life, but neither has it been the worst. I am not quite sure what to classify it as beyond challenging. On the flip side of this, I can say that this past year with the Lord has been one full of grace and faithfulness. Regardless of the valleys, caves, or shadows, He was faithful through it all. Regardless of the victories, the mountain-top moments, and the realizations of truth, He was an ever-present constant friend. 2013 was a year in which God proved His faithfulness time and time again. It was a year that, if one looks with the eyes of the heart, the hand of God can be seen throughout.

On professional level, even though I started to work from home in the summer of 2012, the transition from going to work to working from home has been one full of challenges that I never knew would exist nor would I have dreamed would take so long to adapt to. I love what I do and I am grateful for the opportunity I have been given, but it is more difficult than one might think. The lack of social interaction is merely one of the challenges as is the tendency to not leave the house very often. However, the Father has been faithful through it all and has walked me through each day. It is a daily challenge depend on Him for the endurance to handle all that comes my way and to trust Him to provide the not only an escape from the four walls I am surrounded by, but also the inspiration to write when the opportunity arises.

On a spiritual level, this is a year that has shaken the very foundations of my faith. Every truth I ever held dear has been challenged and my faith has been shaken to the very core. This was a year where I had to go back to the Bible, search it out, pray it out, and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart. One thing that stands out the most about this period of time was a challenge I was presented regarding the truth of Jesus as the Messiah by a friend who was searching out the depths of her faith. I was asked how I knew for sure that He really was the Messiah. The fact that He lived was not disputed nor was the fact that He was a wise teacher. She wanted to know how I KNEW He was the Messiah. She didn’t want to hear about how I felt in my heart or the standard churchy answers that tend to be full of doctrine and rhetoric. This question above all others sat me down and hit me hard. The reasons for her doubting made rational sense, the presented questions were relevant and authentic, and I found myself in a very frightening position of not having an answer. As I prayed through this problem and was searching for an answer to share with my friend, I had a wonderful conversation with a woman full of boundless energy, a deep love for the Lord, and the gift of putting a whole lot of truth into a small, blunt, right-to-the point package and then slamming you upside the head with it in love (or at least that is how it hit me). (Paula, you are a blessing beyond description!) The fact that He is the Messiah is a FACT that must be believed IN FAITH. It is a heart-thing. It is a choice. While the truth that she hit me with soaked in and was prayerfully passed along to my questioning friend, the Lord proved Himself to be so faithful. He brought back to mind a situation from many years ago in which I witnessed firsthand how the Holy Spirit guides in frightening situations as well as the awesome power that exists in the Name of Jesus. If He was not the Messiah, then how can there be such power in just His Name? If He was not the Son of God, then why do demons flee at the mention of His name? There was my answer…spelled out for me many years before the question was even asked. How faithful He is!!!! Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

On a personal level, this year has been one that has brought to light some rather ugly truths about myself that sent me reeling as well as the return of struggles with depression. In terms of the ugly truths, I feel I still have a long way to go in this area, however, I have no one to blame but me. After all, if you aren’t prepared for an answer from the Lord, it is usually a good idea to not ask the question because it just might get answered – and that is exactly what happened. I still have not completely regained my footing with this or with the depression, nor have I sorted through all that needs to be sorted and understood. However, I know that there is a purpose for everything, that I was fearfully and wonderfully made, and that He has a plan for me. While I have no idea what that plan is or where the words He lays on my heart will go, I know that He has His hand in the midst of it all. He will continue to show Himself to be faithful just as He always has.

This is my favorite part – the true joy of my soul. Writing! And what an amazing year this has been in writing!! Through His leading, I have been challenged to share my poetry in ways I would never have dreamed – and He provided the courage. He also provided the strength needed to write and to share my story and my journey with others through this blog. I am normally a very private and closed off person so this has been a great challenge for me and yet another way for Him to prove Himself strong on my behalf. As if all of this was not enough, He even provided a way for several of my poems to make their way into two different poetry compilations this year. (Yeah!!!!!!) I cannot describe the feeling of holding a book in your hands and see the words once birthed in your heart printed in black and white before your eyes. Every time I look at the book, I am in awe of His gift, His grace, and the fact that He could find a use for the words jotted down through my heart.

The struggles of 2013 have left me weary and worn, but I have not been forgotten or forsaken. I have been challenged and defeated, but the Lord has not left me there alone. Every valley lead to His throne, every dark tunnel was illuminated with His love, and He was there through every desert crossed. Even when I had nothing left but questions, He was still by my side. 2013 was a year in which the Lord proved Himself to be faithful time and again to one who was unworthy and undeserving of such tender care. It truly was a year spent with Him. It was a year where my soul can truly shout Baruch HaShem Adonai, Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

May the coming year finding you walking in His way, showered in His peace, and resting in His love.

A Closed Off Heart – Can It Still Be Of Use?

I found myself in a situation recently that really perplexed me and has caused me to examine the way in which my heart functions in relation to people in my life. A friend I have known for many years had been sharing with me how different her life was, how happy she was, and that she felt like she had finally become who she was meant to be all thanks to the inclusion of a certain person in her life. Now you have to understand that when I first met her years ago, she was not a very happy person. She was torn, confused, and struggling to find a path for her life. Fast forward many years ahead and she is now a completely at peace, loved, cherished, and very happy. An amazing transformation – and due to acceptance and love. I have been so amazed by this that I decided to express my gratitude and told this wonderful person in my friend’s life how much I appreciate all that has been done and the unconditional love that has been shown. I, personally, did not find this conversation to be of any significance beyond an expression of gratitude. However, my perception was not correct. This wonderful person showed my friend the things that were said and my friend, in turn, expressed her gratitude for what I had done.

This conversation really kick started my brain after I finished laughing about the fact that I had been “ratted out” in my expression of gratitude. I relayed the conversation to another friend and expressed my surprise that the conversation was passed on. Her reply was “Well, wouldn’t you do the same?” My answer to her surprised me. I said, “No. Why would I?” Really…..? Something nice said to me or done for me and I wouldn’t share that with anyone? Yep, that is how I tend to be…

My upbringing was one of strictness and emotional control. You were to never “wear your emotions on your sleeve.” After all, allowing people to know how you really felt would give them an edge, give them leverage. Stoic was the motto and “never let them see you sweat” was the theme. Yes, I have always been short. Yes, I got picked on a lot as a kid. Yes, some of these theories of emotional control helped in not giving those who picked on me more fodder. However, they did start a pattern of compartmentalization and created a struggle within of how to express what I feel – or sometimes even understand it. Compartmentalize it and put it away became the standard method of walking through life and, while it is less painful, existing rather than living became the norm.

A heart that is of use to God is one that is open to His leading and to His love. How does a compartmentalized heart fit into that? If my heart is not open to much at all besides another passageway in the maze or another hallway leading to yet another closed off room , how can He find something of use inside? Better yet, how can His love get through the maze so it can be displayed to others? The answer to this heart-wrenching question (at least for me) came from a simple comment from one I have known for more of my life than I haven’t. It is a simple answer that took me a while to comprehend (even though I didn’t admit that at the time…) – paper.

Yes, the answer was simply “paper.” I was given a love of words and of writing as a way to work around the compartments inside the heart. On paper, I can express what my mouth is unable to utter. I can “perfect” the phrasing until it says just exactly what I want it to say. It can be re-worked, re-worded, re-written, or thrown away. The backspace button and delete key are my friends as they can erase and remove that which makes no sense at all. When the piece expresses what it is I want to say, it can then be presented to whomever without the need for waiting for my mouth to work or the words to try to come out right or for me to apologize when the words do not.

The Father so graciously provided a way around my heart so that I can still be of use to Him even though my heart is a maze and so many things and memories seem to be lost inside. So long as I yield my pen to His leading, my heart to hearing His voice, and the purpose for His glory, even a heart as broken, complicated, and scrambled as mine can still be clear, understood, and of use to Him. To think that He loved me so much that He provided a “detour” for me such as this is beyond amazing. On paper, I can express the thoughts and feelings that my mouth would screw up every time. On paper, I am able to better understand how He moves and flows in my life and heart and the journey He is taking me on.

Thanks to paper, I am able to understand even better now why this blog was started. You see, I had created this blog several months before I ever posted a thing. I created it, was terrified of it, and walked away from it. Eventually, the Lord did prod me back to it and I posted one entry or so, but nothing more. I still wasn’t even sure of what direction needed to be taken with the blog. Then one day I found myself engaged in a rather one-sided conversation with a wonderful friend from California who was proceeding to let me know exactly what it was, how it was, and that I needed to get off my duff and get to work for the Lord. She very poignantly suggested that I blog about this journey the Lord was taking me on and restoring me through. She suggested that, as I moved through the various healing stages and places where He would put more of the puzzle inside together, I should share the journey.

When I created this blog in the first place, I had no idea just how appropriate the title would grow to be…but He did. He had a purpose in mind for this all along – I just had to be patient and wait. He had a use for my closed off heart all along. He knew how I was, how I would survive some years of mess emotionally, and prepared a use for me anyway. He provided a way that I would be able to glorify Him in spite of the brokenness I had become – and He would get the glory and the praise for it all.

Do you have a closed off heart? Is it damaged, broken, compartmentalized beyond comprehension? That’s okay. Even in our jumbled and scrambled state, the Father still has a plan and we can still be of use. Are we intact vessels that can contain the living water He will pour into our lives? No, we are too cracked and broken for that, but I think He uses those cracks and chips to allow that living water to seep through our pain, to weep through the cracks, and to saturate the dryness around us. Through our flaws and defects, which keep us from being a seemingly useful vessel to the world around us, He is able to work and move and flow to those He brings into our paths as the living water He pours into us flows from the cracks in our hearts and into people He has placed around us – or onto paper.

Any heart, regardless of condition, when yielded to the Father, can become a vessel fit for the Master’s use and become a heart through which He can work and move. Don’t just step into the River of His heart, allow that river to flow through yours for His purpose, for His glory.

He Loves Me

I was listening to some older Christian music this week while I was working. I am a little behind technologically in some ways, but I have discovered the wonders of YouTube and the playlist option. Through this I have found music that I have not heard in such a long time – you know, the stuff you remember listening to as a kid that just seem to hold a special place in your heart and memories.

For me, music has always been a source of peace and a way to help focus my mind on God when things are going in “unique” directions. It has also served as way for me to worship my Lord in my own unique way and to express things within my heart that words cannot seem to convey – through music that glorifies God. I was so excited when I found some music from Evie (love her voice!!!), Amy Grant from the earlier years, and the Gaither Trio. So many good songs, good memories, and beautiful worship…and I didn’t get as much work done as I should have, but that is okay. After all, I know that within my heart, my Lord was glorified and that is what matters the most.

In the midst of my musical stroll down through the memories of my heart, one song sticks out. It is one of my favorites by Evie entitled “He Loves Me!” The lyrics are simple, but they are full of so much truth. I was sitting at my desk this morning knowing I needed to do some work, but that lyric just kept running through my head. It was then I had a “light bulb” moment. It was then that the simple truth of that song hit me. He loves me! That was the beginning of my story and will be the end of it was well – He loves me!

The fact that He has started a work in me that He will be faithful to complete is all because of the fact that He loves me. The chorus of this song repeats that phrase over and over while throwing in the idea that it is a “brand new” story and a “brand new” song. For those of us who have followed Him for many years, it is not necessary a new story, but it most certainly can become a brand new song.

1Sing to the LORD a new song;
sing to the LORD, all the earth.
2 Sing to the LORD, praise his name;
proclaim his salvation day after day.
Psalm 96:1-2

Coming out of this season of darkness and this desert place within my soul, a new song is forming and coming to life. No, the season is not over nor have I finished passing through this desert place, but I can see beyond now to the sunrise up ahead. The night will be ending, my sorrow will turn to joy, and the simple truth of that song will lift my spirit up to His. God will be gloried, I will be healed and restored, and He will continue that work He started in me.

Why do I KNOW this, you may ask?

Simple.

It is all because He loves me!

When all else is gone, He remains

September…..where did it go? Somehow I missed part of it – I think. The real question for the heart is this, in the midst of the chaos and busyness of September, did I remember Jesus?

I guess you could call it a down-side to working for yourself…if the workload gets heavy, you work more. Days off?? Really? What is that? Working only 8 hours? How would that feel once again? On the other hand, it is extremely gratifying to know that the work has been accomplished, you were dedicated to your task, and you succeeded at defeating the seemingly insurmountable tasks in front of you.

However, once the glow of virtual success had dimmed slightly, one must truly look inside. How high was the price paid to accomplish this? Was time with Jesus sacrificed for the sake of some quiet, uninterrupted time in the mornings? Where priorities re-arranged for the sake of getting the job done?

Unfortunately, I am not at that place yet where I can sit back and bask in the satisfaction of knowing that the goal was accomplished, the task completed, the goal met. I am, however, at a place where I know that I can achieve the daily goals I set and I am coming around to a place where I can find my words once again.

In light of this, though, I am forced to ask myself the hardest question of them all. Where did the words go? I have stared at this blank page several times, but it remained blank, much like my heart feels. As I was praying about this and after reading some advice from a cherished friend, the light switch came on. When things go wrong with the “things” in our lives (microwave, coffee maker, alarm clock, etc), where do we go for answers? We pull out the owner’s manual. As believers in the Almighty God, we have an Owner’s Manual so to speak as well (the Word of God). Granted, we are not the “owner” of this product, but we happen to know exactly Who is. So then the answer to the hardest question of all must be this: the words are in His keeping as He is the Author of Eternity. When I find no words of my “own,” it is then that I must rely on His.

To my heart that feels heavy and blank, I say this:

Psalm 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley (the valley of the shadow of death),
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

To my mind that wonders where the words have gone within my heart and if they will return, I say this:

Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
a. Psalm 139:17 Or How amazing are your thoughts concerning me

Just remember that in the storm and in the night, His song is always with you. Regardless of the season in life, regardless of the depth of the darkness, and regardless of the silence within, He is still there. The Everlasting One remains. Timeless, unchangeable, ever faithful He remains.
And, when all else fails, read the Owner’s manual!