TRUSTING, EVEN IN THE DARK

The last few months have been a confusing, confuzzled configuration of one mess puddle after another. There are times when it feels like I walk out of one valley and fall into another that is deeper than the last.

So much of my life is unrecognizable compared to even six months ago. Everything has been turned upside down and I have been forced to branch out and learn things I never thought I would have to learn – and some I hoped to continue to avoid.

I have found myself in situations where a rather destructive behavior was planned, but the Lord intervened and I ended up with other plans/commitments during the time in question. There have been other times when I was so determined to go through with the destructive plans that I made sure I went through with it. I did not leave myself or my heart open to any other options or possibilities. However, these times ended up doing nothing more than making me look like a fool and feeling so much worse in the end.

I have:
raged at the heavens desperate for relief…
yelled at a friend in a desperate search for clearing of my confusion…
hardened my heart to the Spirit of God in defiance of His Sovereignty…
denied myself the release of the feelings through the tears I have not allowed to flow…
isolated myself from those who would speak the ugly truth to me in the moments when I needed it the most…

But most of all, through all of this, my stubbornness and hardheadedness have cost me the peace I could have been enjoying all along if I had only allowed God to be God rather than blocking Him at every turn because life was not going how I felt it should go.

Despite all of the jumble of junk and mess that have been trudged through, there have been moments of elation, moments of surprise, and moments of freedom. The truth is not as frightening as it once was and I have found a strength within I did not know I had. I have also been blessed with a friend who is not afraid to speak the truth to me in bold living color when it is needed – and whether I feel it is needed or not.

When the storm rages and the darkness envelops my heart, I must remember to fight against the darkness, but not fight against the One who anchors my soul throughout the storm. Even though I cannot see His hand and I do not have a clue where He is going with my life, He is still there, He knows every pain in my heart, and He understands every tear I cry. He knows the beginning from the end and He will carry me when I lack the strength to even stand. He can be trusted for He is faithful.

Even in the darkest of times, the deepest depressions, and the most difficult circumstances, He continues to be faithful. He can be trusted, even in the darkness of the heart.

SWEET MEDITATION – a good way to battle depression

As I was reading my Bible the other night, I landed in Psalms (which is normal for me).  I was reading along and found a familiar passage I had read many times before, but, this time, I saw something in it that I don’t believe I noticed before.  I found the word “sweet” written in a group of verses talking about singing and praising.

Most of the time in my writing, I use the NIV for Scripture as it is easy to read and understand.  However, there are some passages in which the beauty of the King James Version cannot be matched.  This is one of those passages – a passage where the word choice paints a richer picture that the heart seem to connect with just a bit more.

Psalm 104:33-34  (KJV)

33 I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.

34 My meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the Lord.

“I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live…”
There is no disclaimer here. There is no mention of situation in which we are not to praise Him.  It does not say that I will sing to the Lord on days when I feel great.  Nothing is mentioned of only singing when the weather is great or things are going well.  It simply states that “I WILL sing unto the Lord as long as I live…”

“…I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.”
As long as there is breath in my lungs and my heart continues to beat, I am to praise Him. So long as my sanity remains (which is questionable some days), I am to praise Him.  Regardless of whether or not my “being” is what I want it to be, how I want it to be, or how I think I should feel in my “being,” I am still to sing praises to my God.

“My meditation of him shall be sweet…”
MY meditation of Him shall be sweet.  Oh how I love that line!  While I certainly want the Lord to be pleased with my thoughts toward Him (which is how the NIV translates that line) and the way in which I praise Him, my meditations of Him don’t just affect Him, they affect me as well.  They should be pleasing to my soul.  They should be beneficial to my mind.  They should be healing to my heart.  MY meditation of Him WILL be sweet – and it is because of Him.

“…I will be glad in the Lord.”
Such a simple statement with such wide reaching effect – and it is a choice.  We must make the choice every day to be glad in the Lord regardless of what life throws our way.  We must be determined.  We must make up our minds to be glad in Him.

We must choose to sing to Him.

We must choose to sing praises to Him as long as we possess the physical/mental ability to do so.

We must choose to be glad in the Lord.

With the choice made, the issue decided, and determination set, our meditation of Him truly will be sweet.  It is at that point that we can begin to understand more fully just how deeply the river of His heart flows, a river that flows with love beyond description, joy beyond belief, and peace beyond comprehension.

RUNNING IN THE LIGHT

In the quiet, before what is really occurring is truly known, the veil of darkness is lifted. Ever so slowly and gently, the warmth of the sun begins to creep into the cracks and crevices, into the corners and closets, driving away shadows along its way. The dark has left behind a weariness that is felt within the depths of the soul and cuts to the very center of the heart, the pain so overwhelming that the beginnings of the dawn are not even noticed. But the Father knows.

Ever gentle, ever faithful, and ever kind, the Father reaches down and begins to bandage the wounds left behind. He lovingly wipes away each tear and cherishes what each individual tear represents. As the intensity of the pain eases, He gently turns the face that is cradled in His hands toward the sun. The warmth shining in is so comforting, so soothing. The warmth brings with it a sense of calm and a peace that runs deep into the wounded places. Although wounded and weary, restoration is coming, peace is returning, and healing has begun.

Easing out of the corner and beginning to struggle to stand, a steady hand is offered, but this hand is unlike any other. This hand radiates power. This hand carries within it a boundless unfathomable love. This hand bears scars and written with in the scars, I find my name. I find my name carved into His hand! Within His hands, I find my healing, but it is a healing that is only found within scars left behind by nails.

Holding onto His hand, I rise. Holding onto Him, I find solid ground beneath my feet and the strength in which to stand. Focusing on Him, I find the assurance that all which remains broken will be healed, that strength will be renewed.

With one glance at the smile on His face, my soul begins to take flight. With wings like eagles, my heart begins to soar. Caught up in the strength of His hands, I find the courage to run once again. In His light alone does that which once was weary and broken become renewed and restored. Carried on by His everlasting arms, I run once again, for I am running in His light.

YET AGAIN

Well, here I am – again. A blank page before me (again), thousands of thoughts and feelings flying through my head (again), and the cursor sits there blinking at me (again) as if impatiently beckoning me to do something, anything (again).

As I sit here and watch the blinking, I have to question just how long it has been since I have sat here like this? Better yet, I must also question myself:

• Why I am here, yet AGAIN?

• How long have I kept what was supposed to be spoken in black and white muzzled in silence, stifled as if time would collapse if I let it go?

• Why have I allowed so much to interfere, to come between, to cause me to close the blank page and file it away?

Once AGAIN, I find my focus re-directed by the mere blink of a cursor on a blank page… I should not have allowed this, yet AGAIN. I have missed out on the opportunity to listen to my Father’s heart. It should not be so. I know to do better than this…

I must be mindful, ever conscious, of my need to pause beside the River of His Heart at some point each day, to take the time to spend a moment with Him, to allow Him to speak and not just listen to my rambling. I must stop being too focused to be “distracted” or “interrupted” by taking time to just sit with Him.

After all, a loss of joy, a loss of peace, and deteriorating health are not worth the results achieved by squeezing one more thing into an already full day in the hope of accomplishing one more task rather than to just pause for a moment and have a cup of coffee with my Lord.

Too much Martha and not enough Mary will find us lying broken in His green pastures, too weak to reach His still waters, and too empty to even find the table that He has prepared before us. Thankfully, our Father’s love and mercy is far more stubborn than we – and He loves us far too much to leave us in the condition we are in when we finally throw ourselves at His feet.

Grace upon grace is ours, free for the taking – yet again.

My Shepherd

I know that I have posted this once before, but I hope you will indulge a brief reflection on a cherished passage. Given events in my life and heart, my soul needed a reminder of this simple truth – a reminder that He IS my Shepherd.

While all that is within me is longing for those still, quiet waters and the lush green pastures of rest, I trust my Shepherd and know that this path is for a reason, that there is always a purpose, and that He is eternally faithful. He has not forgotten me, forsaken me, or abandoned me.

I know that, even when the darkness seems to hide me, the night will shine like the day around me for the darkness is as light to Him. There is no where I can go where He cannot find me and no where I can run that He is not already there. He is My Shepherd.

***
My Shepherd

I – He WILL for He IS
Yahweh Ro’I, the Lord my Shepherd.
He supplies all that I need for He is Yahweh Jireh.

I will lie down and rest where
the meadows are sweet.
He will bring me to the still and restful waters,
beside peaceful streams of quiet waters,
so that my soul can rest.
He is Yahweh Mekaddesh.

He will restore my soul,
refresh my life,
and renew my strength.
He is Yahweh Rafae.

He will lead me in the paths that are right –
He is Yahweh Tsidkenu.

***
II – You ARE and You WILL

During the apprehensive journeys of life,
through the deep, sunless, darkest valley,
yes, even when I come to the valley of death,
I do not have to fear evil,
nor have I cause to dread it,
for You are always with me
and remain close beside me.
You are Yahweh Shammah.

Your will protect me and guide
as a father to His children.
You are such a comfort to me
and the rock on which I depend for strength.
You are my Abba.

***
III – You WILL, You DO, You ARE

You will care for me
and provide for me,
oh Yahweh Sabaoth,
Even when my enemies are near
Or are standing righting before me.
You pour Your love and joy over my life so that
my cup of blessing overflows
with the abundance and fullness of You.
You are Yahweh Shalom.

Your mercy, Your unfailing love
will follow me and pursue me
so long as I live.
You will be always be
the place my heart will call home.
You are my Adonai.

Baruch HaShem Adonai, Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

Struggling To Reach The Surface, Fighting For Daylight.

I was hoping that the beginning of a new year would bring about a change in perspective, tide of events, and the opportunity for more positive transitions. However, after completing two months of this “new” year, I am coming to realize that these are not going to be outward occurrences in my life for the time being. I must, however, find them within myself and these need to become an outward expression of what I want my life to represent in spite of the trials.

Unknown circumstances…medical situations that remain unsolved, undetermined, unknown… These are not things I do well with and I have found myself struggling to keep my head above the waters of depression and despair. So many changes have come about in a very short amount of time due to the unknowns that still plague my heart that it has been a challenge to keep my balance, keep my perspective, and not get lost in the fast crashing waves of change. Absolutely nothing is the same and I don’t know that it ever will be again.

Because of this storm, I have a better grasp of how Peter felt when, while walking on the water to Jesus, he saw the storm rather than the Savior and began to sink. That is where I have been…away from the words I love so dearly, away from the outstretched hand of my patiently waiting Savior, away from many who could pray for the situation – or for me. I allowed the storm to rage and the waves to crash over my soul and here I sit, alone on the shore like a shipwrecked child.

As I sit here before this slowly filling screen, I am reminded once again of His faithfulness. I have thought about writing often, but I could never find the words to begin anew. As I sat the other day on the washed up shore of my heart, I began to try to put words to how I was feeling – even just a few. Slowly, the pieces of the title for this post began to float to the surface. Little by little, it came together until it was a cohesive string that summed up my heart and circumstances at the moment. I had been swallowed up the waves of despair and tossed about in the storm of the unknown. Reaching the surface was a struggle. Fighting for light in the darkness of my heart seemed impossible. So, I wrote those words and let the title sit (to simmer, so to speak). I allowed the thoughts that would come with it to soak into my heart and grow. When I opened the document the next day, those thoughts grew into words carried onto the page by only the strength of my Savior.

While understanding is great and crafting metaphors to explain things of the heart that words alone do not accurately convey can be wonderfully freeing, I now must ask myself some hard questions. What now? Where do I go from here? How do I open my heart to not only allow others to see the storm raging inside of me, to see the fear from the potential of the unknown, to see the pain brought on by the changes in life, or to even pray for me? After all, I am supposed to be the strong one …or at least the is the lie I have bought into for a long time… Honestly, I have no idea what the answer is besides to hold onto my Savior for dear life and trust Him to calm the storm, bring answers, and smooth circumstances in His time and in His way. Like the saying goes, I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds my tomorrow.

So, even though the storm rages around me, through my heart, and through my life, it is through these storms that I know my Lord will be faithful all the more. It is through these that He will show His strength on my behalf. Through this, He will continue to demonstrate His infinite love for me. Even though the challenges will continue to try to wash over me and circumstances will continue to disrupt and bring changes that so hard to bear at times, I know He is there. Even though my heart may feel like a piece of washed up shipwrecked lying on the shore, He will gather the pieces as they wash up on the shore, He will cherish them, and He will restore my heart.

All that is required of me now is to give Him my fears, trust His heart, and just be still.

A Walk Through MY Bible

I wonder how many people are like me in terms of their relationship with their Bible (the sentimental value that the physical items has to them). I was about to start reading my Bible the other day, but, before I opened it up, I really stopped and looked at it. It would appear as though I had not actually “seen” my Bible in a long time even though I read it every day. If you will indulge me, I want to share my “anchor” with you. Please join me on a walk through My Bible and I pray that as you read this you might find some encouragement along the way – and perhaps something you can tuck inside your heart.

As I picked up the Word of God that night, I actually stopped to look at the physical, touchable representation of God’s love for us that I call my own – this book that, although printed and bound by man, contains the Words spoken by the Almighty, the history of His Chosen People, and the ministry/passion of Jesus Christ. Just as I call Them my own (My Father, My Jesus, My Savior, My Adonai, etc), I call this Book my own – my name is even embossed in gold letters on the front cover.

My, the stories this book could tell if it could speak of things external…. I received this Bible as a gift in 1989. Despite the years of wear, a tattered cover, and broken edges, it is irreplaceable. I have thought about buying a new one from time to time, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to even shop for another one. There are notes in the margins, highlighted passages, underlines here and there, and several notes and mementos tucked inside the pages. It has survived being dropped, melted candy bars, small children, desperate grasps during times of heartache, tear stains, and having the cover and spine taped back on/together on more than one occasion.

If you open the cover, you will find names and dates of people I have care about over the years. Marriage information, births celebrated, and deaths mourned are contained within the pages that have required the application of carefully placed tape in order to keep this well-used section together. Further within the pages, you will find notes, poetry, a picture, a little music. What amazes me about these tidbits of paper that I find tucked inside is not only the content of the paper, but also the passage it resides beside.

The first stop flipping through the pages is II Samuel 15. This is where Absalom wins the heart of the people of Israel, basically takes over the throne, and King David runs away. In this place resides a poem written for me by a dear friend many years ago:

Just a reminder of the job you’re to do
To keep His light shinning – bright and true.
His love is so deep, so vast, and so wide
Just open your arms and there you’ll abide.
Whenever you feel the need to waiver of fall
Just look to His light and send out a call.
He’s always beside you and never you cry
Because even though you might fail, He loves how you try.
Always praying for you. —

But it does not end there. After all, what would a piece of paper be without notes on the back? Notes regarding healing from sickness and sin as well as Scriptures relevant to things I was going through in my life at the time this poem was given to me stand as a reminder of how, even though sin had taken over the throne of my heart, God was victorious in the end.

The next piece is one of my favorites. It is a written in the form of a haiku (not my favorite format for poetry), but it is profound. I think I cut it out of a Sunday School lesson many years ago.

Trapped by Mark Weinrich

Helpless
bird, don’t battle
the window. I could show
you the opened door, if you’d just
“Be still.”

I find it ironic that this poem would reside where it does. It has been there so long that I do not even remember placing it inside, but it is at II Chronicles 7:14. “If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” If we can but allow Him to show us the open door, depending on where we are in our lives, this might just be the very door we need to walk through, the door that leads to repentance and healing.

II Chronicles 20 finds a prayer egg that was prayerfully and randomly dropped into the Bible in 1991. The prayer contained on the tiny piece of paper was answered seven months later in 1992, and was regarding a damaged relationship with a former friend. The first place my eye draws to on these pages is to verse 15 (“…Be not afraid nor dismayed…for the battle is not yours, but God’s.”) and verse 17 (Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the Lord with you….”). As I let the problem go and allowed the Lord to have His way, He did just as He said He would do. The battle for the heart was not mine to fight, but it was mine to stand firm, be still, pray, and watch Him move in the situation. Granted, this was nothing like the situation Jehoshaphat was in, but God still showed Himself to be faithful.

A bookmark with the simple statement that “Even when clouds of pain seem to hide the face of God, we are never hidden from God’s love” marks the place in Psalms that reminds us that God will defend us and we can shout for joy because of that. (Psalm 5:11)

A few more pages into the book of Psalms finds a wonderful verse written out from a different translation (Psalm 27:4, TLB – “The one thing I want from God, the thing I seek most of all, is the privilege of meditating in His temple, living in His presence every day of my life, delighting in His incomparable perfections and glory.”), and the caring heart penny reminds us that “God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.” (Psalm 68:6)

Isaiah 50 finds another note from a dear friend reminding me of the transience of our trials. I am not sure if it taken from a Max Lucado book word for word or if it was something she wrote (it has been way too long to remember), but it is thought-provoking nonetheless. “Our days on earth are like a shadow. Each man’s life is but a breath. You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. It‘s a short journey even though it seems eternal. Just think how good it will be when we get home. It will be worth it all when we see Jesus. Therefore, we do not lose heart. Thought outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are becoming renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.” What a wonderful reminder of where our eyes need to be fixed up set beside a powerful reminder of just a glimpse of what He endured for us.

Another short, but poignant poem can be found at the sight of a most encouraging passage. Jeremiah 29:11-13 gives us the promise that God’s intentions for us are good, that He will be found when we seek Him, and that He will hear when we pray.

While all of these are inspirational, touching, and contain very fond memories, my favorite thing that I found in my Bible is the scrap of music at Matthew 24:12-13. When I realized where this music was, I was really surprised by the verse. (“and because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold, but he that shall endure until the end, the same shall be saved.”) I didn’t really get it for a few – at least until I sat down to write this. It was then that it dawned on me just appropriate it was that I would shove this scrap of sheet music for “Joy Unspeakable and Full of Glory” into my Bible in this location. So long as His joy is my strength, His love is my light, and His Word is my foundation, my love for Him will not wax cold regardless of the mess surrounding me. “It is joy unspeakable and full of glory. Oh the half has never yet be told!” And one day, it finally will be. What a day that will be!

The passage regarding the good Samaritan (Luke 10:31-37) is where a picture of my two nieces sits from probably 11 years ago or so. Good memories of a good day….

Many scraps of paper, scribbled notes, Scripture studies waiting to be finished or reviewed are scattered throughout my Bible, but these are the one that mean the most to my heart. These are the ones through which the heart of God speaks to the hurting heart within me. These are things that He has given to me as a gift, as a way of remembering better times when my heart is broken and a reminder of His providence through the dark times when the ways is light and easy. They are reminders that I have been loved, I have been cared for, I have been cherished by people He has sent my way. All of these are reminders located inside the Book that contains the grandest reminder of all.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16, NIV

Just to think that our God loves and cherishes us so much that He took the time to inspire men He selected to write down His words, HIStory, and that these very words have been cherished, guarded, and passed down through time to those of us who now stand guard over our own hearts and cherish this gift He has carefully designed, planned, and given to us – a gift of not just salvation, but of His own heart.

I will leave you with one thought. If a complete stranger were to find your Bible, what do you think it would say to them? Would it appear brand new, never opened, perhaps a little dusty? Or, does it look like an old friend, worn from the years, but yet loved and treasured. Cherish His Word my friends. After all, it is His heart in tangible physical form
– a gift from His heart to yours.