How do you describe living through many years of hell and the relief felt from escaping it? I’ve been told it is a loss to grieve over, but all I feel right now is relief. The feelings surrounding this living situation had grown so intense in a negative direction that jail started to sound like an amazing alternative to continuing in the same day-to-day muck and mire. So many days I prayed for relief from the situation….that a certain element would just be removed and I could continue life in somewhat the same comfort zone, but yet actually enjoy it for once. Obviously, that prayer wasn’t answered in the spirit in which it was uttered, but it was answered in a way I never expected.
So many years of my life are just gone and I never felt a thing through any of them. I was once told that those years were stolen from me, which is true to an extent, but the real truth is I allowed them to be. I remained hidden behind raising kids that were not my own, buried everything about me deep inside where it could not be hurt or discovered, and just kept on going. I missed out on a lot of stuff during those years…. I missed my grandfather’s funeral – how I loved that man and how I miss him still! I missed out on the best years of my mother’s life when she was active, felt good, and was actually hunting/hiking again. I missed out on opportunities to go hunting with my father. I missed opportunities to spend time with my grandmother. All of that gone….and they are all things that cannot be recreated.
Once the fear and timidity that ruled my heart were replaced with a sense of purpose and rediscovery of a backbone, my perspective on life changed dramatically. Through the help of some amazing friends who were not afraid to put a mirror up to my face and show me the truth of how my life really was, I was able to begin to put the pieces of myself back together again, although very slowly. I found my worth buried deep down and realized that I deserved to be happy, to be loved, and to be treated with respect. That realization was so very liberating and became the turning point in my life.
With a great deal of support, love, and encouragement, the situation in which I was living has changed drastically and I am now living on my own for the first time. The freedom and the quiet is something I am growing accustomed to….and the peace is so very healing. Although my music had been slowly returning over the last few months, the speed at which it has done so has increased. Music returning to my heart and to my pen is such a source of healing for it is through music that my heart truly speaks. I’m hoping that my passion for writing will return as well, even though it has been slower to rise up from within than I first expected. When it is time, I’m sure it will return as well.
So now, this is the beginning. A brand new chapter is being written on fresh clean paper…a new outlook on life…a new chance at happiness…a new chance to continue to understand how wonderful it is to be loved by the most amazing woman I have ever met…a new opportunity to discover the depth of who I really am and what I am really capable of. The future is wide open and my heart is ready to embrace all that it hold!