What an emotional day today has been so far! There are many changes coming in my life and the reality of just how drastic things will be is sinking in far deeper than I anticipated. I am looking forward to the change with great excitement and expectation, but I also find myself mourning what I am leaving behind.
Today was the first day of school. While this is normally a very happy time, especially because the kids will be occupied for most of the day, it was not so much this morning. I helped my favorite 14-year-old with her hair this morning, which is something I have done since before she started kindergarten, and started to cry. There will only be one more day in which I will have this opportunity to have this moment with her. As I dropped off my favorite 8-year-old for his first day of 3rd grade, he did not want me to walk him to the playground or to the line as I have done in times past. He just wanted to be dropped off like a big kid. Before each kid goes to school, I make sure to remind them that I love them and that I wish only the best for them. I only will get to do this in person one more time…
In the last 19 years I have spent raising kids that were not my own, I have made a lot of mistakes and have screwed up more ways than I can count. However, it has always been my goal to make sure these kids knew they were loved – that they were loved unconditionally, deeply, and unfailingly. They do not go to bed at night without being told they are loved and I do not leave them without telling them as well. I hope that they remember just how much I love them…
An adventure awaits me – an opportunity to explore who I am and what my purpose is in life. There will be time to relax for the first time in too many years to count…there will be time to write whenever the words pop into my head…there will be time to take care of my battered, weary, and worn heart/soul that have been so damaged by the past years I have survived.
While I am so looking forward to this change and know beyond a doubt how good it will be for me, I am dreading the heartache that will come with it. However, as is true to His nature, the good Lord has provided for me in ways I cannot even explain. I have been blessed with not only friends who care about me and accept me for who I am, but also with a very special person who loves me in ways no one ever has before.
Stepping out in faith is never easy and that first step is the most terrifying. My first step comes Friday morning. Although I am nervous, I know that I am stepping into my future and that this future that has been laid out before me as a gift.
The River continues to flow, the next bend is coming up fast, and I am so grateful that I know Who is in control of my ship.